|Depression: Enemy or Tool?
||[May. 10th, 2010|12:04 am]
Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."|
I have heard and read this verse so many times. Mostly at times where I have felt it terribly inappropriate. Like, at a funeral of a loved one. . .no one wants to hear this verse. Or, through a tragic divorce or break-up. . .no one wants to hear this verse. Or, when you know you're sinning beyond belief and feel like you're drowning in the filth of your own demise. . .no one wants to hear this verse.
For months now I have felt totally blocked and cut off from cogent thought. It has been an extremely challenging time in my life with one blow following the next and I felt as if there was no where to turn. Everything was upside down. Good was bad, right was wrong, love was hate and light was dark. In my utter despair I felt myself crying out the Lord, pleading and reaching with Him to bring me out. I didn't believe He could. I didn't trust He would. Then I believed He wasn't even something real to cry out to. The foundation on which I had built the past six years of my life was crumbling down to a degree that left me utterly hopeless, praying out to the Universe/God/gods/air to let my current breath be my last. I did not want to live if that future did not include God in it, and not a God-crutch, but the True-Living-Breathing-Saving-Protecting-Allknowing-Allpowerful-Over everything in the World, God.
I've been going to counseling now, since moving to Charlotte to deal with my depression. It's an issue larger than my mind can really comprehend, but it seems to make everything backwards in my head. My husband says he loves me, and that REALLY means he wants to leave. God says He loves me, forgives me, and wants a relationship with me. . .obviously that cannot be true. I fought depression. I believed I could pray it out, read it out, ignore it out, counsel it out, sleep it out, cry it out. It's been a life-long battle and that has not yet worked, and so, if my God can do all things can indeed do all things, surely I could be healed from this. And if He isn't, then he couldn't. Right?
Or, maybe. . . since my brain is so good at manipulating truth. And since deceit is the greatest craftsmanship of the devil. . .MAYBE I could recognize that since I normally would believe it, I should just choose not to. And so I started trying that. And, it has been working. I don't know if I am meant to be healed, or if this was just the most effective way for God to speak truth into me, or if there's some lesson I won't ever know until after this all passes away, but I'm trying something different and it all doesn't seem so bleak anymore.
This life is not right. Nothing in life makes sense to me. Everything is in a constant struggle of pain and sorrow. Just because that is what it is right now, does not mean it is a reflection of what God created. And that unsettling longing in my core is evidence of that being true.
And this isn't profound, original, or anything but as Eric and I drove through West Virgina today, over the rolling mountains and down the low valleys this very common every day metaphor dawned on me: when we were in the pit it felt like it was so late in the day, like the sun had set because it was dark. . .then we came to an incline and I was surprised to see how bright it was that it burned my eyes. The sun had not gone anywhere just because in those few miles we were lower than it was. It wasn't any less real, bright, or powerful. The same goes with God. I cannot base my belief in Him on my mood of the day. If I have an imbalance in my mind, that makes things harder for me to see right side up, I cannot be so wavering in my trust that He is still God even when I have a bad few weeks/months/years.
In that epiphany, it is good to hear the verse, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." And I will praise Him through the valleys and the high places, looking to Heaven for He is good.