|For By Grace
||[Feb. 27th, 2011|10:03 pm]
I thought about writing this post from our bathroom while sitting in the tub. Fully clothed. I thought, maybe, it being really random and absurd would allow my thoughts to flow freely. It seems like there is a block; and not just of the writers persuasion, but an overall life-mental-block. I can't seem to process feelings, thoughts, dreams, beliefs, etc. It's all the strength I can muster to get through the day-by-day, in and out of routine, keepin' on to keep on.|
It.is.exhausting. I want to have musings of life and God and all its inner workings. I want to be inspired to create. I want to believe--because it is so vividly evident--that there is truly beauty from the ashes; and glory to behold. And it just.doesn't.come. And I can't force it. But I can't ignore it. I can't fake it, or become complacent. It's the awful grey area; where there is all too much doubt and uncertainty. Where my thoughts have their way with my heart and cause the deep pain in me that begs for peace and so fears to be sucked into its abyss without rest.
And then, there's grace. Grace grace grace. It's all I can muster to read about it, meditate on, and trust in, but it is the one thing that will probably save me from self-destruction. I am filthy rotten and without Jesus that would be the end of the sentence. Some days I think it is. Others it is easier to believe. The sooner I can accept this is who I am and Jesus loves me and saved me in spite of myself, the better off I'll be. It's just getting my whole self on board with this rationale that seems to be the bugger.
But in moments of clarity; few and far between, I can treasure words of encouragement that come from something so big and wide that my mind cannot help but be blown.
"The Kingdom is not an exclusive, well-trimmed suburb with snobbish rules about who can live there. No it is for a larger, homelier, less self-conscious caste of people who understand they are sinners because they have experienced the yaw and pitch of moral struggle."- Ragamuffin Gospel