||[Jul. 12th, 2011|01:46 am]
In one week, I will celebrate my third wedding anniversary, and to say it is a miracle is a dramatic understatement.
For nearly three years, the course of my life has shifted frantically, recklessly, and blindly further and further from the path in which God desires. I have given myself over to selfish desires, anger, malice, greed, gluttony, and overall apathy. I have neglected my husband and my God. I ran, in every which direction, to anywhere to hide. Anywhere deep enough and dark enough to remain unscathed by the light of my wrong doings. The amount of times "I hate you" and "I'm leaving" or "divorce" were spout from my lips are shaming.
And heart breaking.
And utterly humbling.
My husband never left. Never took his chance. Never abandon or forsake. He took his beatings; and dealt some out (never literally); but always remained steadfast that there was a purpose for us, and we were able to overcome, and that God would rescue.
And he's doing it.
I feel it happening.
We can talk and not yell.
We can disagree without throwing down.
We can hurt and be vulnerable.
And slowly, our walls are crumbling.
And something better is being rebuilt.
I doubt I would've learned otherwise.
Where else would I experience this much intimacy, transparency, and vulnerability?
Where else can someone tell you that all the hurt feelings melt away with just one glimpse of a smile?
Where else could I know a love so deep and true that no amount of pushing and fighting could keep it from me?
I would not know God as well if not for Eric. Those are some seriously mind crushing words to admit. I want to believe I am an island; and I hate the constitution of marriage. I like to think I am above some chovanistic thought that being married brought me to completion. I'd love to be strong enough to make it through on my own.
But that isn't my case. Maybe for others it is different. But I NEEDED him to know God more fully. Grace could not be real in the heavenly capacity if I could not feel it on earth. Forgiveness would just be empty words if I did not look in my husband's eyes each day and know he has truly forgiven me for the pain I've caused. Compassion would not be felt as deeply if I did not have someone so close in my world who truly aches for others.
God is God whether Eric walks another day of this life with me or not. But, I am so thoroughly grateful He has given me someone to mirror His image so well; because I am too dense and hardheaded to really comprehend it otherwise.
And not that I ever deserve another blessing, but if he could give me another fifty or so years on top of this three, I think that'd be so swell.