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Mi$$y America

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Everything is Bullshit [Apr. 10th, 2010|10:40 pm]
Mi$$y America
All I see is pain, sorrow, anger, wrath, ugly, disease, suffering, death.

DEATH.

Everything is dying, and doing so in agony.

If JESUS came and OVERCAME DEATH, how then is it still here? How is there still a war. IF He has won and overcome the world, then WHY is everything as it is?

I can see evidence for evil without ever trying.

I can not say the same about God. His goodness. His faithfulness.

I know it is out of context, but the writer of Ecclesiastes makes so much sense to me when he writes:

(Chapter 1): ""Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever. ...
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing. ....
15 What is twisted cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

And so on. And with that, I lay down my sword, because I am tired of fighting.
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2010|02:21 pm]
Mi$$y America
Maybe the problem I've always thought I had, isn't a problem after all. I have more dreams and ideas than experience and resume bullets, and maybe that is going to lead me exactly where I need to be.
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(no subject) [Mar. 23rd, 2010|03:35 pm]
Mi$$y America
A Pebble From the Sky
...meeting my windshield. That's all it took to smash my world into a blithering mess. And while everything around me and inside me lies in ruins, I am so completely helpless in the ability to repair.

But the one who can is full of grace and is sovereign. He is hope and comfort. He can take the shattered glass and turn those shards into a magnificent castle, that brings glory to His name.

Psalm 46 is what I hold dear to my heart in this late night hour. May it be so come morning and beyond.
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(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2010|11:37 pm]
Mi$$y America
I'm in therapy now. Here's hoping.
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Jesus Says: [Feb. 25th, 2010|04:08 pm]
Mi$$y America
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

How am I to reconcile the words that Jesus says, and the way my life is? How are we supposed to reconcile the Bible and this big big God, and a Savior who was perfect, dying for all of mankind, so that whomever believes in Him should have everlasting life? How do I claim the abundance of blessings, but have total reverence for the Almighty when everything in me kicks against it? Why do I feel so much despair in life, when my spirit ought to be filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control? Is it possible for it all to actually be tangible? Questions are a part of the process, but the terrifying part to me is that my questions are leading me to believe that all I try to cling to is not real. What if life sucks and then you really do just die? Or that I am not passionately perusing the heart of Christ enough and that's why it's all so bitter and broken? Or, I am just not one of those people He was talking to? I am aching. My life is a fucking roller coaster. And people don't like that word, but it is the only f.u.c.k.i.n.g way my childish, finite self can explain how much it all hurts. I cannot articulate it in a better way because I am not filled with profound thoughts and brimming with theories and possibilities. There are no answers in my present. Possibilities are not for me. It is so fucking mellow dramatic and I get that. BUT it is my real. I'm still a lame ass 16 year old, only now I am not 16. I am 23 and married and now am not only fucking up my life but another persons. And, now there is the reality that I might not just be here to live, hurt, and die but am supposed to be doing something MORE-- and I am bitterly failing. At 16 I had no hope because I didn't know there was another way. Now, I have no hope because I know for so many there is. I just wish it were for me.
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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2010|01:40 am]
Mi$$y America
I don't think I have ever been more thankful for the ability to feel and give love. I struggle so deeply with it, but when I feel it and give it, my veins pulsate and I know it is the motive that drove Christ to the cross. Only love can cause so much pain to be triumphed by so much joy.
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(no subject) [Feb. 2nd, 2010|12:24 am]
Mi$$y America
I feel like my life is trapped inside a Cymbalta commercial. Jesus is supposed to help more than some pill, but I am feeling at a total loss for prayers, cries and pleas. I need joy.
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Unemployed in the Dirty South [Jan. 20th, 2010|12:49 pm]
Mi$$y America
We live in Charlotte, North Carolina now and it is so great. People are friendly, the weather is perfect, and I have yet to get lost! Suck on that, Cincinnati!

I have also discovered that being unemployed is the life for me. I suppose though, unemployment is that much more desirable when it is 1. Financially possible, and 2. By choice. Neither of these two are the case for my current state; but really, with this "economic state" I am not the only one in this position.---side note, am I the only one who wants to find Minnie Driver and punch her in the face for her comments on the Jay VS Conan war? About her poor poor twenty (rich, actor) friends who lost their jobs when Jay moved to 10pm?---But, for the most part, it is a misunderstanding, and Lord willing will be cleared up by Monday, and I will be back to the world of pantie pushing.

Until then, I am thoroughly basking in the unscheduled, uncommitted life I live. I have a clean apartment, and can cook and bake lots of treats, and even do the dishes if I feel like it. I can read or I can watch Soap Operas and Entertainment Tonight. I stay up till 2am and sleep till the sunlight shines through my window, ever so gently welcoming me to a new day- at 9am. I eat my breakfast and lazily watch Good Morning, America....which sucks by the way. Oh, Today, I miss you and NBC in general. I can go outside, or I can stay in.

The only downside is that since Eric is not a balla yet, and making a salary sufficient to maintain my lavish luxuries like Target purses and new mascara, thus I will have to return back to workforce. Not for lack of trying though. That boy is a go-getter. Wants to feel productive, supportive, and stuff. He gets up early when he doesn't need to, puts on a tie without me saying a thing, and hits the sweet, sweet streets of Charlotte prowling for a way to make the lettuce to support my shoe fetish....and our eating dinner fetish...and paying rent...the important stuff in life. I am perfectly happy be a hermit. Oh, and let me just tell you- when we get a dog, I will probably NEED to be a stay at home mom. Like, for real. I don't (always) just stay in my pj's after all, I shower, I get dressed, and I would love to get involved with doing stuff- but for now, I am enjoying nesting and getting settled.

So far, there is not anything worthy of complaint, which is saying so so so so so so much. I am kind of a complainer. But really, God has blessed us...Amazing church, relationships being made, places to serve, and job opportunities are popping up left and right. Now, if only I could fix the worlds hurts, and fix Haiti, and make it snow a little bit---all would be perfect in the world. I guess that isn't my responsibility though, and Jesus has pretty much done the most perfect thing already. Hooray for that.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2009|06:13 pm]
Mi$$y America
Sorrow in my soul, oh my soul.

6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

7Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist. 8Watch out that you do not lose what you have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully. 9Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. 10If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take him into your house or welcome him. 11Anyone who welcomes him shares in his wicked work.

2 John 1:6-11


Jesus' forgiveness is freely given, but it will never be cheap.
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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2009|05:56 pm]
Mi$$y America
The Problem with Marriage

Being married just over a year now I would not go so far to say I'm an expert at the subject or anything of the like, even though my now-husband and I often joked about how good we were at dating, and that we'd someday write a book together to help all the helpless fools who just couldn't get their stuff together like we had. We were pretty good at dating, minus a few very disappointing experiences. But that beginning stage- that was our real shinning star time. We had a friendship before we dated, so we didn't do that whole getting to know you phase where we have to hide every flaw, but we still were both trying to put our best side out there to keep the other interested.

The bigger disappointments in our relationship happened the closer we got to marriage. The more sinful behavior; in lust and in anger started to be more apparent. I can't speak for him, though I do much more than I should, but I know it was because I was comfortable with him. To the point that I didn't care how ugly I was.

Our first year of marriage was rough to say the absolute least. I am ashamed of how many holes will need patching in our walls when we move, and my poor Ikea lamps and dishware that so sorrowfully met their maker before their time. And now, I'm sitting outside of Panera, scamming their free wi-fi, to talk to the Internet to avoid his Bible study because I was in a piss sour mood all day and took it out on him. And that's the problem with marriage. You get so close to a person that the comfort level is so high, you don't care that they see you at your ugliest. The days of doing your hair and makeup are long gone, and smiling the pain away is no longer. Now, he gets the 'real' me. Real sinful me, actually. And because I'm so comfortable I don't care. Or, can at least pretend to not care. And as I sit here, typing these words that really, maybe he will be the only one to read, I'm realizing that the whole idea about marriage being the closest representation to our relationship with God is so true. Too true. So true it's ugly.

I remember when I was first a Christian I wanted to please God so so much. I wanted to look nice on Sunday mornings and read my Bible every night so He'd be proud. I put in the effort to have a solid relationship with Him. Talked openly about how I was feeling, but more so about how I could be better for His use. With all relationships there are the ebbs and flows. But recently, just a whole lot of ebbing (or is it flowing?). I put in the time when I don't have to work, when I'm not tired, or really, when Facebook and blogs are all caught up. It's pretty stagnant, and of course it isn't GOD who is to blame. He's always there; merciful and gracious as ever. Waiting patiently for my return. He sees me at my ugliest- when I don't treat anyone the way He'd desire for me me to and forgives me for my behavior.

And sadly, this is what my marriage has resorted to. Eric tolerating a whole lot of 'ugly' in return for his love and mercy with me. He gets to embrace my ridiculous meltdowns because my mixer doesn't mix my cake batter as well as I want, my inability to mutter the words, "thank you" as he cleans the disaster of a kitchen mess I create, and always always always in the first one to break down and say sorry- even when he was actually not at fault (which isn't too often...;) Much more bitterness than tenderness and anger than patience. But at the end of the day; he wants to forgive me. He wants to love me.

So, the problem with marriage is the closer we get, the more intimate we become, and the more our sinful nature can come out. We want to be so perfect for the person we adore the most, but sometimes the absolute most rotten things come out instead.

As if that weren't ugly enough; I have Satan constantly all up in my grill. Not letting me believe that the above is true. He won't stay. He won't forgive. You'll push him too far. And God's left a long time ago.

But He hasn't. And Eric won't. Because Eric, with all his quirks and imperfections desires more than anything to love me because Jesus calls him to do that. And Jesus died for me. C'mon! Who dies for someone that they'd so quickly give up? Not Him, not according the His word:

"remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the common wealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. BUT NOW in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He himself is our peace..." Ephesians 2:12-14

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ..." Ephesians 5:25-35

And then, even with the lies and truth layed before myself, I have to look at my actions. Even in Eric were to leave, and my marriage to break and crumble, I need to be accountable to God for my role in it all.

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope. Be patient in tribulation be constant in prayer. " Romans 12:9-12

And lastly, memorized by many, personified by few:
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing but rejoices with truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I can look at myself and know the standard to which God calls me to is not being met on my end. I can dwell on this and give up, or I can finish my bagel, go home to my husband with confidence in God's power to overcome the ugliest of ugly, and learn to love.

I choose love.
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